Episode 1: How IFS Can Inform Your Parenting

This video invites you to pause and notice what is going on inside when you are reacting to your kids. Our well-intentioned reactive parts do not bring about the behaviour we want. Our job is easier when we don’t take things personally. IFS as provides a tool and language to foster curiousity about ourselves and notice how our own wounded parts get triggered by our kids.

Episode 2: How to Talk to Your Children About Parts

Talking to our kids about our own parts helps them to identify theirs and recognise there is nothing “wrong” with any part. This is how we can model staying connected to our feelings (parts) and become aware of parts that may be informing our way of being and what we teach our kids (e.g. “I have to make everybody happy”). We can help our kids to identify when parts take over and by staying curious about our reactions and those of our children we can notice when we are projecting the fears of our own parts onto them.

Episode 3: Dick Schwartz on IFS and Parenting

Dick Schwartz Ph.D., founder of the IFS model talks about how we take on the burden of legacies from our parents. He describes the role of our “manager parts”, including the inner critic. The fact that we learn to dislike the parts of us that our parents did not like he describes as a “law of inner physics”. He also offers hope that by becoming aware of our own triggered parts we can get them to step back and/or heal them. Then we are able to parent more from Self.

Episode 4: Staying Connected with Your Children

“Attunement”, connecting to our kids emotions is key to staying connected with them. When we are able to see who they are, instead of viewing them through the lens of a part that has an agenda for them we are able to trust their internal resources. Giving them the message that “I want to be in your life” can create the foundation for a lifetime guarantee of love. Staying curious about them and their world can become available once we know how to attend to our judgemental parts so they do not take the lead.

Episode 5: How Parents Become Disconnected from Kids

The disconnect inevitably occurs when one of our own protective parts has taken us over (“blended” with us) and taken the lead. These parts are connected to our own hurt parts and project their fears onto our children. For example if you were taught that it is not safe walk unaccompanied down the street then you may have a big reaction if you see your kid stepping onto the sidewalk by themselves. Even though you grew up near a busy intersection and you now live at the bottom of a dead end road. The positive intent of that part (to protect) can result in you scaring your child or shaming it. When we “manage” instead of supporting our children we send the message that they are somehow not okay… and they feel the disconnect from our love. When this happens, as it inevitably does give yourself space to work with your own parts before reconnecting.

Episode 6: The Impact of Shame and Criticism on Our Kids

When we are repeatedly shamed we take on an inner voice that holds the core message: “I am unlovable”. We live in a culture where shaming has become normalized and is passed down through the generations. One reason for this is that it is an effective form of behavior control – children (and adults) will do anything to avoid having to feel it. And, of course we have the parts inside that shame us (the critical voice: “You’re too fat/thin/loud/quiet/shy/outgoing etc.”). It is important to acknowledge our inner shaming parts so we can choose not to come from them – or make repair if we do. The impact on our later life can be an ongoing attempt to “deserve” the love of another. This is the root of low self-esteem; the opposite of what we want for our children.

Episode 7: Repairing with Children

It can be humbling and challenging to take responsibility for a rupture in our relationships with our kids. And IFS provides us with a way to do this. If we have shamed our kids (shaming part) or screamed at or insulted them (angry part) we can bring compassion to ourselves, to those parts. We can ask inside of our parts: “How come you felt the need to shame? What was the worry?” or “When you were shouting was there a vulnerable part in our system that got triggered that you wanted to distract from?” Once we have the clarity we can move to the repair. Over time, relationships that can weather ruptures, knowing that a repair is coming can develop resiliency. Children can be enormously forgiving of “overreactions”. When we can own our parts we are better able to parent from Self and our kids do not need to carry the burden of being “bad”. Not to say that boundaries are not important. And if you find yourself needing to justify your actions… you may want to get curious about why.

Episode 8: Challenges of Unconventional Parenting

It seems many of us have parts that have bought into the myth of “Conventional Parenting” that we see in the many media images from dominant culture that bombard us. And as a result we may have concerns about “Being Acceptable” if we are not mainstream. When we are worried about being judged by others; whether it is for being divorced, a single black parent, a parent of a special needs kid, a lesbian mum or any number of “unconventional” set ups then we may find our parts taking us over to prove we are “Rock Star” parents; and they may have us “Overparenting” in public. When we do this it can disconnect us from our kids. It is important to acknowledge the challenges and helpful to become aware of our parts that react to the criticisms and judgements of others. Unless you have transgressed against someone (for which you can apologize) all their critical and judgmental parts are merely giving you information about them and how they are in the world. It has nothing to do with you. However, if a part of you gets triggered it is worth exploring.

Episode 9: Legacy Burdens

We learn many things from our culture and our family of origin, and like good kids we want to absorb everything we are told, implicitly and explicitly. Some of what we absorb, however does not serve us. For example if you are a woman and your mother taught you that it’s not “polite” to show an angry part, you may find yourself burdened by a need to always be the “Good Girl”. This may have been passed down through your family and your culture. Indeed, it may not have been safe for your great grandmother to show anger. She may have been punished. And to protect her daughter she will have passed down this teaching…. that gets passed down… and so on. Becoming aware of the burdens that our parts may carry that do not belong to them is the first step in both releasing these burdens, and ensuring that we do not pass them on to our kids.
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